Twas the Night Before Christmas - 2014 Version

  • Leader
    February 10, 2017 8:31 AM EST

    Twas three months before Christmas, when all through the store
    Christmas items were displaying as never before;
    The decorations were hanging, over here, over there,
    In hopes that the shoppers soon would be there;
    The managers were all watching, all smug in their threads,
    While visions of dollar signs danced in their heads;
    All the clerks had their elf suits with pointy shoes
    And their little red name tags had bells on them too.
    Out through the loudspeakers there arose such a clatter
    As the holiday music just sputtered and spattered.
    Windows aglow as the lights flicked and flashed
    In colored displays “Happy Holidays” splashed.
    The parking lot lights, all bright and aglow,
    Were decked in big snowflakes or pretty red bows.
    Toward the back of the store, what have we here?
    A chair, fake snow and a great big reindeer.
    A camera's set up to take a nice pic
    Of kids as they sit on the lap of St. Nick.
    More rapid than greyhounds the children they came,
    as their mother hooted and hollered out each child's name;
    Now Davie! Now Dwayne, now Percy and Jarvis
    Come Cindy, come Candy, come Dawn and come Mavis!
    To the front of the line! Try not to fall!
    Now line up! Line up! Line up y'all!
    As dry leaves that before the leaf blower they fly,
    When they meet with a fence, they fly to the sky;
    So up to the front of the line the kids flew,
    With their minds filled with toys and electronics too.
    And then Davie said, “Gimme some proof,
    I don't think you're Santa, you look like a goof!”
    The elves made a gasp and all looked around,
    To Davie's mom, who plopped down with a bound.
    Santa was dressed in faux fur from his head to his foot,
    And his clothes were all wrinkled, he had poop on his boot;
    He stared at the mother and she just looked back,
    She was fully embarrassed, as a matter of fact.
    His eyes didn't twinkle, they looked rather scary!
    His cheeks were quite red, like a very ripe cherry!
    His scowl on his face let everyone know
    Not to mess with this Santa, his anger might blow!
    The stump of an e-Cig he clenched in his teeth,
    And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
    He had a broad face and a big round beer belly,
    That shook when he moved, like a bowlful of jelly.
    His eyes wandered to the rump of the young elf,
    And she cringed when she saw it and covered herself;
    A wink of his eye and a twist of his beard,
    Soon gave all to know this old coot should be feared.

    The intercom crackled, trying to work
    “Early Bird Specials!” Shoppers were going berserk.
    Running and shoving, the panic it rose,
    Filling their carts with toys and some clothes;
    They fought over Elmo, til the guard gave a whistle,
    And away they all ran, grabbing Transformer Missiles,
    But the guard did exclaim, as they ran out of sight,
    “Happy Holidays to all, Elmo ain't worth the fight!”
  • Member
    October 6, 2022 4:14 PM EDT
    The last line got me, with Elmo, lol!

    Very funny variation of "Twas the night before Christmas". Clever and so true!

    May just have to be a new tradition every year to read this one for fun on Christmas Eve. :)

    We used to watch National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation every year, over Christmas, as a tradition, until we realized we were watching the cleaned up version after finding out how much naughty language was in it....had to take a break from it for a little while with little ears listening.
  • Leader
    October 6, 2022 6:41 PM EDT
    Holiday movies! We always watch Home Alone and Home Alone 2. Didn't like 3 lol.
  • Member
    October 31, 2022 6:57 PM EDT
    Oh yeah, I agree, the first two Home Alone movies were good. It's been a long time since I've seen those movies. We enjoyed them. I'll keep that in mind for the holidays!